PAIN. We all have had experience with pain and can relate to the word, pain. When I say it, I'm sure you can immediately get a picture in your head. You know just what I'm talking about. And if I asked you to recall what it was like, you could describe in detail.

Pain can penetrate all areas of our lives and have a hold on us. Physical pain. Pain from a job loss. Pain from a broken-heart; grief, tauma, stress, toxic relationships, the list goes on. I'm sure you could add to it easily...

I have been dealing with pain in some personal areas of my life for sometime now. If I'm being honest, at times, it feels unbearable; and I wonder if it will ever get better. I feel ovewhelmed and trapped and i just want it to go away. I have been praying and asking for direction as to what to do.

Yesterday, I was crying out to God, "I am just in so much pain. My heartaches and I don't know how much more I can take." The uncertainty is getting to me; coupled with circumstances outside of my control seeming to compound. Overwhelming me with a flood of emotions. Those emotions can literally consume you.

Those of you who know me, can attest to the fact that I like to know what to expect. I'm a planner, and a doer. I'm extremely goal orientated. This not knowing what I need to work on for my future is driving me crazy. aka loss of control. I searched up Joel Osteen and tried to describe my situation in a few words to google and was directed to his sermon, "Don't Waste Your Pain." Everyone has a different opinion regarding the man and his ministry. However, for me, I love his messages. They are always on point. This time was no different. He was speaking to me for sure. Here, I want it to be over and God's using it for a purpose. He reminded me that with pain, comes breakthru; and with pain, comes birth. Don't waste your pain. God will use it if you allow him to.
I've been feeling under attack for years. I get out of depression then something comes creeping from behind and slowly starts to take me back under. I just want it to be over. It is difficult, but it's not impossible. Today, I realized I limit God. I put limits on what I feel he can and cannot do. I realized it when I cried out to him earlier today and said, "I can't do this anymore!" and I heard a whisper in my spirit say, "I can." I thought, what does that mean?! In the scriptures it says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" and immediatly my mind recalled the night before, and the picture I took of the young boy wearing that shirt pictured below. I was attending a book signing for some fellow local authors, when I spotted him. I really loved the scripture and thought it was cool that a young teenage boy was wearing it. That same night, my reciept came up to $18:18 I inquired if that was intentional by the authors and the staff said, no, it just happen to be that with tax. I have been so self absorbed that my "tuning in" is not as clear as it is usually.... I'm reminded to look up the angel number 18. Angel number 18 suggests that you are nearing the end of a phase or cycle in your life, and the angels want you to realize the new opportunities will appear for you in due course. Your angels ask that you not stress about present circumstances, as 'better' is on it's way into your life. Do not fear lack or loss as the end a situation or cycle denotes the beginning of another. The angels ask you have faith and trust in them, and in yourself. You see, earlier that same day, (Tuesday) I had to face "the music" regarding my relationship and the hardship we were enduring. I just realized while writing this piece, the shirt that I took a picture of was an answer to the prayer I had asked. I asked God to give me direction. And He was, he was telling me that, "I can do all things in CHRIST." I have been trying to do it all in Monica. In Monica's strength; Monica is pretty strong, but I am getting tired.

That's where surrender comes in. And as I say that, I'm reminded of all the other surrenders I have done and how he showed up and showed up big. Specifically recalling how I prayed for my daughter when we were in the midst of the storm with the mold infection. I heard him say, "do you believe?" I said "yes", then I heard, "start acting like it".

Last night, before bed I prayed for direction again. Cause if you remember, I did not realize the signs he had already sent my way. (Rather, It dawned on me two days later.) I wanted to know exactly what I should do. "Give me an answer," I pleeded with God.

I had a strange dream last night. I was talking with an old friend (like flash back 19 years ago.) I referenced her as her maiden name, so I know this setting was indeed some time ago. However, I was giving her some new information that had just found out regarding something that she was taking personally way back then. I felt this insight could free her. She had been feeling something was wrong with her physically and all the insecurities she had herself bound in. She was grateful to have know what I shared and then looked at me with concern and asked me, "You don't want to do this anymore, do you?!" and I could not speak, instead I just slowly shook my head "no" in shame and woke up weeping. I felt so guilty for feeling that way. And it filtered into my real life. I woke up feeling defeat, sad, and overwhelmed with guilt and shame.

I keep having to be reminded... to allow him to lead. To trust that his plan is best and recall the scripture in 8:28 God's promise- He works all things together for the good of those who love him. Who are called according to his purpose." I know the scripture, but I don't KNOW it yet cause I keep limiting God and what he's capable of doing for me. His promises are true. And I need to focus on them, not my problems. Sometimes when I go through these storms of life I am left wondering who can I trust, and I heard tonight, "you can trust me".

God's right, I can trust that He will open and close doors. He will only allow me what I can bear and will take the rest when I am weary. It is me who gets in the way. It is me who doesn't feel deserving or worthy at times. It's not that he is not capable it is that I get in the way.

"God, I surrender all to you. I trust you with my pain."