Do you ever feel overwhelmed with life? You want to do so much or HAVE to do so much and don't know where to begin? Or does the fear of the unknown seem to steal from you? Anxiety gets the best of you. You are so afraid of what may behind that door that you FREEZE up.
For me, that is how I've been feeling lately. However, I know that it is a conditioning vs the truth.
What do I mean? We've been conditioned. Much of the "matrix" is laced in fear. Fear is how they control us. It is how they manipulate us. Molding us into being the WHO they want us to be. It's predictable. And we have been taught that predictable is SAFE. But that couldn't be further from the truth.
When we always try to control the outcome we subconsiously keep ourselves in a cycle of familiarity. And because it's familiar, it's safe. NO! That's not true. Most of the time we put ourselves in situations or keep in dsyfunction because we know how to handle it. We know what to expect and how to respond.
Personally, I am struggling. Familiar is what I so long for. Even when it is full of chaos and dsyfunction I NEED IT. Like a drug. This new found peace and quiet in my home is deafening.
Growing up my childhood home was full of drama. Someone was always upset and I took on the role of PEACE maker. I would see that you were struggling and want to FIX IT. This is not normal. This is a coping mechanism. We cannot fix people. People are responsible for their OWN selves and the decisions THEY make. However, for me, I take on other people's STUFF. Their shame, their guilt, their frustration... ect. Joyce Meyer taught me through her sermon on Contentment last night what it truly means to be Co-Dependent. I have been co dependent on others - I first see where they are emotionally; how I can be of help - then I decide if I can have a good or bad day.
What?! That is absurd but that is what I have trained myself to do. I do it in order to be loved. I want SO badly to be loved that I allow myself to be used and abused, deep down inside if someone doesn't need me aka use me then I feel I'm worthless.
I am working with a therapist right now to help me sort out all of this stuff. My mind knows what to do, my heart... fights me and my body is not feeling safe at all.
She recommended that I read, "The Body Keeps the Score" hope it helps! Because of late, since I decided to do what was "right" for me, removing myself from a situation that was hurting me, I find myself upset with myself. I almost feel as if I am angry at myself for putting me in a safe, quiet environment.
I've NEVER experienced this before in my entire life and it is scary. Why? because I told myself it IS. Because I listened to others tell me what's best for me OR... that not knowing how this is all going to play out is something to fear.
I am working on rewriting my story. And with that I am begining to recognize the truth from the lies.
The truth is God is with me always, I am never alone. Peace and Joy are my god given rights. Gifts of the spirit. He wants us to be full of peace and joy. He wants us to enjoy life and all of it's many "wonders". He has given us freewill. We are safe because he loves and protects us. We are surrounded by his angel armies. Or so I've read in the scriptures. Now God is showing me that it is not just mearly words penned on a page. It is the truth. It is MY truth.
When I was all alone and had no where to turn, he was there. When I had no way out, I prayed and he answered. He made a way.
When I want to give up and give in, he catches me and shows me I can go a little further. He's got me.
All the stuff I read about it the bible about characters and how God showed up in their lives, he is doing for me. They are no longer stories on the pages of the book, they are my TRUTH. His word is alive and active. He KNOWS me and He KNOWS my pain. He sees me. He is my father and my very best friend. He is my comforter, my waymaker, my promise keeper, my Lord, my shepard, my light in the darkness. Those words are MINE. He loves me and I KNOW IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.
I just need to quiet my mind. To address the voices of others who have told me otherwise. To keep reminding myself of all the times I thought I was alone and how he was there. How he has provided for me time and time again. That he has never forsaken me. His word WILL not return void. His promises are TRUE.
Sometimes that is easier said than done. We want to touch and feel to KNOW it's real. But the truth is the real stuff we must close our eyes to see.
Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry kiss, dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt only by your heart.
I'm learning to let my understanding of things go and to trust my gut.
How does this make me feel? To tune in. To stop reacting and to start responding. Becoming aware of my thoughts and emotions and learning to take them captive. To give myself grace.
Reacting is instinctual. Responding is thoughtful and deliberate. To consider the consequences of the actions vs the knee jerk action. To anticipate that there will be challenges, but that doesn't mean it's anything to be afraid of.
Rather, look at life as an adventure. To have more FUN. To trust myself more. And KNOW that I am loved beyond measure by the one who gave me life and sustains it through my breath. He's got me and He is working EVERYTHING together for my good.
The only way to stay in this KNOWING is to remind myself of HIS word and to be on the lookout for his signs and wonders. It says in the scriptures that he will send his signs and wonders.
Isaiah 41:13 "For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand saying to you. 'Fear not, I will help you.'